Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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