Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
