Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
