I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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