She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
