EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
