Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have fence marks all over my body
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
