Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
