I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
