so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
