Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
