It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
