Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
