Will you blow on my dice?
It's Friday. Sex?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
