i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
