The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
