I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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