The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
