dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
