I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
