You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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