Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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