The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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