i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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