you guys were way drunker than both of me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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