I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
