Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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