I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
