someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
