She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
