I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
