listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just had sex on a roof
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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