Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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