I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
God, I missed his penis.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
