Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
