if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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