Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
