i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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