found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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