i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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