How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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