Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
