Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
