I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
