I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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