Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
