Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
