my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
