You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
