Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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