I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
