We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
it's like heaven, but drunker
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My penis needs a shock collar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
