oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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