Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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