3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
